Lately I realize I hold a tonne of internalized guilt for not being able-bodied and able to do all the things... I want to be able to keep up with UBERLeo-Bean... I want to help community and do all the social things... and have a job... and make money... but I am so tired... and this guilt is something that my psychologically-abusive able-bodied Mother and physically-abusive alcoholic able-bodied Father and the able-bodied society at large ingrained by telling me I was just “being lazy”.
So as a rule I said YES for over 3 decades to keep other people happy… Even when my body and mind said no… Even when my body was screaming in pain for me to stop… Even when I ‘knew better’… Even though I was sick with severe asthma from age 8 months old onward… Even though I have almost died a number of times over the course of my chronically ill life (body staph/ mould in lungs/ et al. ) I must not neglect to mention real people literally trying to kill me... Age 5: Creepy Uncle / Age 16: Classmates / Age 23: Abusive Boyfriend / Age 26: In-Laws / and also debating on whether this list should also mention a series of incompetent doctors spanning across my whole lifetime.
Equipped with A.C.E. Scores and understanding fully the physical trauma my body has had to repress, slowly integrate, and recover from, I don’t know how much is actually possible… I don’t know if Cat will ever 'fly'.
The thing about the guilt is... I have never been fully able-bodied... And for a body that has survived despite all the odds and keeps going and creating art and beautiful moments... Is actually a pretty Badass body when you come to think of it... I was never “being lazy”... Why do I still hold this guilt?
*Enter the epic bag of tools acquired through years of therapy/ coaching/ study/ plain old KNOW THYSELF*
I realize I hold guilt for just being alive and existing as I am… which is a pretty bullshit feeling if you ask me.
So today, I am tired of apologizing for how my body works or doesn’t… That's basically it... If I, as a priestess with all my odd healing mojo can't magically make my body better... Perhaps my body just IS. Maybe my body just needs more rest than the able-bodied world that it exists in. Could be I am BUILT for something else.
It is entirely possible that cats have not evolved wings to fly for good reasons, which I am not privy to in my earth bound incarnation.
Today I embrace the concept that Cat is ENOUGH. AS. SHE. IS.
AND on the upside I wield some epic CHIRON Wounded Healer Mojo… ;)
Peace and Blessings